Are you getting ignored by people when you talk?

This post will help improve communication skills and build confidence.

If you really want to build confidence in your communication skills you will need to face your fears. You will need to break bad habits and think about why you developed them in the first place. That vulnerability will become a strength

You will need to be honest with yourself.

A lot of people suggest you should fake it until you make it. They advise you to adopt confident looking body language, speak loudly and force yourself to hold eye contact. They theorize that eventually these habits will become your natural way of expressing yourself. That may be helpful but it is not enough. You needed to prove to yourself that every single person loves you.

The fear of not being good enough. For some people this fear is so severe they are terrified of leaving their home and interacting with anyone nor able to apply skills at workplace. You don’t need everyone’s approval. When you honestly express yourself some people will be closed minded or just be dealing with their own antisocial issues. But plenty of other people will be happy to meet and interact with you.

The truth is those experiences help you grow.

To make this immersion as educational as possible below is a summary of ten keys to the process of mastering social confidence.

It will be helpful to write them down and formulate your own plan for each key.

1. Practice confident body language: Working on body language is beneficial, while treating symptoms but not the disease. If you cultivate confidence it would instantly fix most of your timid body language anyway. It could resolve stuttering, poor eye contact, and other indications of fear. You might be able to lie with your words but your body language almost always says exactly what you are feeling. So pay attention to how you present yourself to the world.
2. Immerse yourself in social situations: People often don’t like state changes. When you wake up, you might not feel like getting out of bed. When you are awake you might stay up late because you don’t feel like sleeping. When you are social and having fun it’s easier to move to the next interaction. However if you haven’t had a real conversation with another person for a few weeks then you might not feel ready to immerse yourself in daily social interactions. Force yourself to engage the social environment without needing a friend by your side. When you are with a friend it’s easy to focus on talking with each other instead of conversing with new people. By going out alone you get to challenge yourself to meet new people and gain experiences that will empower you.
3. Keep a record of your interactions: It helps you reflect on what you’ve learned and what you should do differently in the future. You don’t need to write down every detail of every interaction.
4. Say yes to things that make you uncomfortable: Only refuse something you know to be dangerous. In that situation you know there could be deadly consequences for you. However, in most social situations fear is not proportionate to actual danger. The only thing preventing you from starting an enjoyable interaction in that scenario is fear. When the only reason you don’t want to do something is because you’re scared, then you should do it! Mostly because of lack of experience and the habit of avoiding experiences you assume to be scary. The more experiences you avoid the scarier you think people are. When you allow yourself to chicken out of an opportunity to grow up you are only being irresponsible with your own life and happiness.
5. Surround yourself with high quality sociable friends: Perhaps you have heard the idea that you are the average of the people you spend the most time with. The people around you definitely influence who you become. So it’s important to be aware of the impact your friends have on you. Kick all the negative people out of your life and surround yourself with positive people. The idea is that negative people are constantly complaining and whining and it makes you feel bad.Eventually you could become infected by their toxic personalities. Some people just have a nasty personality its best to avoid. But this doesn’t mean all negativity should be ignored. Often your friends criticize you because they hope to see you succeed, not because they want to tear you down. While criticism may on the surface appear negative, it can actually be very positive when the intention behind it is to help you. This is why you should spend time with people who have different viewpoints from your own. When everyone around you is always confirming your biases that is also an impediment to growth. These relationships are formed from the investments we make in each other. Unfortunately, you might end up with friends who take more value from you than they give back. You don’t need to cut people out of your life if they have traits you admire.
6. Meditate: Calming the chatter of your mind isn’t the only benefit of regular meditation. What I really like about mediation is it allows me to ignore all the past and present bullshit of life. I can tune out all the distractions. I become present to the moment. You don’t need to control your thoughts. You just need to observe them. And ask yourself, “Why in the world did I think that?” For most people negative reactions are automatic. You’ve likely observed people going nuts over the smallest thing. I’ve seen people angrily shouting expletives for the pettiest reasons. The world didn’t fulfill their desires and they want revenge. By quietly disconnecting from the petty disappointments of life we can calm the mind. With regular meditation the body gets a chance to take a break from negative thoughts that drain energy and the body’s resources. You should be consciously choosing your thoughts and emotions. This means that if for example you are angry, that emotion will dictate your behavior. There are many established benefits to meditation: Enhances your emotional well-being; Decreases anxiety and depression; Improves resilience to pain and adversity; Increases optimism; Improves mood; Increases mental strength and focus; Improves memory; Better creative thinking; Helps you ignore distractions; Improves immune system; Reduces blood pressure; Improves brain and heart disorders. You may have become addicted to always having something to do. Always having a phone in your hands, a computer on your lap, a song to listen to, or some other form of entertainment. While enjoyable, these are distractions. When you can train yourself to resist these temptations, you will simultaneously train willpower and emotional control. Even after people acknowledge how beneficial meditation is, why do they still refuse to develop this habit? The simple answer is they are already addicted to their daily routines. They dismiss meditation because they don’t yet believe in the benefits. Meditate daily for a month before you decide it’s worthwhile or not. You don’t need to take the word of regular mediators or the research backing up the benefits, you can simply try out meditation for yourself if you don’t have a regular meditation habit yet. Meditation would take away a chunk of time most people would rather spend on their cravings for other stimulation, such as TV, food, and internet browsing. Some say meditation is just a waste of time. But this is only because they have never practiced meditation themselves and haven’t yet experienced the benefits. This is the basic process of developing mindfulness. You don’t need to memorize some complicated meditation techniques to experience the benefits of meditation. However when you realize the benefits of basic meditation it might be helpful for you to research more advanced meditation practices to help you on your journey of improving yourself. Basic Meditation: There are many forms of meditation. Some are overly complicated. Some authors write a long list of 50 or more steps for what to imagine, feel, and how to breathe at which point in the meditation. Go ahead and look for information on those types of meditations if they interest you. I like how having a series of steps during meditation such as breathing and visualizations can distract you from how much time is passing, which is great if you are still worried about being disconnected from your usual routine. Meditation is very simple and so here I want to provide some simple suggestions for how to benefit from usual meditation. It’s important to set regular times to your meditation practice each day as this helps you to associate that time with your meditation practice. A) Sit in a comfortable position; Take a few slow deep breaths. Many recommend breathing through your nose if you can. Though it isn’t necessary. B) Bring your attention to your body; Slowly shift your attention from your feet up through the rest of your body. This is to transition your mind into a more relaxed state by first paying attention to how your body is sensing the world and how you are feeling. C) Observe your thoughts; You don’t need to try and control your thoughts. Whenever your mind is distracted you bring your thoughts back to the image you are focusing on. That is effective at developing focus and you may try it if you like, however it is not necessary to experience the many benefits of meditation. Advanced Meditation: You just sit down, close your eyes, and listen to your mind talk with itself. Pay attention to the thoughts and be curious about where the thoughts and feelings are coming from. But I want to share with you a more advanced form of meditation that can train you for reinterpreting pain and various frustrations in life especially when it comes to social anxiety and the fear of rejection. Maybe you were born with that condition where your pain receptors don’t work. Well that’s a cool super power isn’t it!? You can fall down, break bones, get punched in the face, and none of it will hurt! Pain wasn’t a part of your reality before. In fact pain doesn’t need to be part of our reality. We have the ability to feel pain because it prevents us from doing stupid things that would damage ourselves. The role of pain is usually to indicate to us when there is a problem. This metaphor applies to every kind of discomfort. If you are focused on avoiding pain, then you are resisting the present moment. Pain is resistance to your current situation. All discomfort is resistance to your current situation. So instead of resisting, you should accept the present moment. By accepting your situation, you no longer interpret it as painful, uncomfortable or annoying. It is that interpretation that makes it painful. That is why in this form of meditation you sit completely still for at least one hour. Sit in a comfortable position and stay there. Don’t move at all for as long as you can. See how long you can stand complete stillness before the aches and itches in your body prevent you from continuing. This kind of meditation teaches you to accept reality no matter how it is. In fact, it teaches you to reinterpret discomfort as not being uncomfortable at all. This trains you to accept adversity, annoyances and a bit of pain. This is the super power you should really want. It’s so much better than the inability to feel pain at all. How long you can endure this kind of meditation? 5 Minutes — Did you even try? 10 Minutes — Average; 30 Minutes — Experienced Meditator; 1 hour — Yoda; 2 hours — Superman; 4 hours — Buddha; 8 hours — Master of the Universe.
7. Introspection: We learn from experience and mistakes. No matter how awkward or embarrassing, many of these experiences can become valuable lessons in self-improvement instead of sources of shame. People are terrified of experiences they don’t need to be afraid of. However these are all learning opportunities. The only real mistake would be in not learning from these experiences and making an effort to improve communication skills. Life experience is the same way. You can choose to be a passive observer and never learn anything from what’s been thrown at you, or you can learn how to anticipate it and dodge.Reflecting on your life experiences takes you from passive observation to understanding. If you understand your mistake its more likely you will make a plan to resolve it. Otherwise you might keep making the same mistake. Even when you do make mistakes you can frame it very positively as a learning opportunity.
8. Record Yourself: If you’ve never video recorded yourself it can be uncomfortable at first to see and hear yourself. You may realize you have some bad habits you weren’t aware of. If you can, record yourself talking with another person. Ask yourself why you felt that way in that moment. This exercise forces you to confront nervous body language and bad habits that usually can be corrected with practice.
9. Be open to everyone: Most people you meet won’t become your friend. That doesn’t mean you need to ignore potential value they could add to your life and that you could add to theirs. In some venues you will notice needy individuals who are only interested in socializing with certain people. As you can see, this is a very selfish, needy, value taking frame of mind. When you have a goal it can be tempting to focus only on the people that can help you achieve it and ignore all the other opportunities for human connection. But you are missing out. In fact, you don’t know what opportunities you could be missing out on if you act in such a selfish way. Many people only seem boring on the surface. Even sufferers of social anxiety. But once you get them relaxed and comfortable they can willingly share their humor and individuality. Being open to new people, ideas, and experiences expands your intellectual capacity. Instead of only talking to people who look and think like you it can be an intriguing experience to interact with people with vastly different world views than your own. One fear in social situations is that you might have an opinion or belief that conflicts with the person you are talking to. This could result in an uncomfortable confrontation in which the other person says you are wrong or insults you for your belief. Instead of fearing that scenario learn to embrace it. Be happy when it happens. Maybe you and the other person involved have something to teach each other. Being open to others without limitations diminishes prejudices, makes you more optimistic, and has been shown to significantly decrease stress. This is because you aren’t constantly afraid people will threaten you with their different way of thinking or living. Instead of worrying what to do in a variety of situations you will know exactly what to do because you’ve already been in that situation many times before. After interacting with people from a wide range of backgrounds and temperaments you won’t be as scared of social situations as before. If you reflect on these experiences you will realize they are even more valuable than any book could ever articulate to you.
10. Make plans and invite people: When you’ve started going to more social events, reflecting on your experiences, and meeting people you are interested in getting to know better it may be time to turn your new acquaintances into friends or more. Socially successful people don’t only sit and wait for invitations to hang out. They make plans and carve reality to their liking. It doesn’t need to be elaborate. It could simply be dinner with a few of your new friends. You can have a great conversation and if things are going well have a plan for where to invite people after the meal. As long as people are having fun and enjoy your company it should be easy to gradually develop a regular group of people you can hang out with anytime. Taking responsibility for social situations will be a huge boost to your confidence in social situations as well. Maybe the people you invite will already have plans. Interesting people often have busy social lives already. That doesn’t mean they are completely uninterested in hanging out with you. they may legitimately be busy. So spend a few weeks busy with your own plans.

“I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”
― Henry David Thoreau

You need to work on both resolving internal issues and developing external skills. As explained several times already, when you combine deep introspection with action many bad habits will naturally dissolve.

The brain is getting mixed signals. Speak! Shut up! Speak! No don’t speak it’s scary! Speak!

These confusing messages in the mind lead to awkward stifled behavior. But when you can accept yourself and your emotional responses there is no reason to resist the urge to say what you want to say. The stuttering would be greatly reduced as you aren’t constantly battling between the urge to socialize and the urge to protect yourself from scrutiny.

But when you can accept yourself and your emotional responses there is no reason to resist the urge to say what you want to say. The stuttering would be greatly reduced as you aren’t constantly battling between the urge to socialize and the urge to protect yourself from scrutiny. When you start to develop social confidence with the skills and methods of this book, at first you may still have trouble shaking off some bad habits. Or maybe you aren’t aware of these habits at all. Depending on the severity of your social anxiety. This is why it can be helpful to record yourself and hear your own voice and see your own body language. It can be even more helpful to show these recordings of your social interactions to others and ask for their evaluation. If you trust someone enough to be honest with you, their real perspective could help you completely change how others see you.

Nervous Laughter This is a sign of trying to protect your ego. You want to make everyone think you are completely fine but inside you may be devastated to lose the approval of someone you respected. Nervous laughter is a fake attempt at masking internal pain.

Silence The opposite of nervous laughter is silence. When some people face intimidation or fearful situations they close up. They aren’t able to say anything. When they do try to speak they can’t say much because every cell in the body is urging them to run away. To fix this requires facing fears and actively verbalizing your real thoughts and feelings.

Mumbling Mumblers speak softly and with poor enunciation. Words blend into each other quickly, or are completely left out of sentences. The first part of the sentences may take place only in the mumbler’s head before it is finished in a barely audible mess of words. When you mumble it shows you aren’t confident enough to loudly and directly state exactly what you want to say. It could also mean you are hiding what you want to say. You want to share it, but you are afraid of people’s reactions so can’t let it all out. Fix this by practicing speaking loudly and clearly in front of a mirror. Notice how you form words. Some people are afraid of using the full range of their vocal power. Open your mouth widely and enunciate every syllable of each word. Try to speak with the same volume and clarity throughout each sentence. With practice people should pay more attention to your speaking.

Conversation Fillers These are words such as “um, ah, yeah, like.” They often come out more frequently when someone is nervous and feels pressured to say something. Fix these by paying attention to how you speak. When you realize you are about to let out a meaningless sound out of nervousness replace it with a deep breath instead and accept the silence. Silence can have a much bigger impact on a conversation anyway. As you take a deep breathe you can calmly formulate your next thought.

Speed and Voice Often when you are too nervous you try to get words out quickly before you can be interrupted. It shows you aren’t confident people would want to listen to your words. . Lower, deeper voices are more persuasive and command more attention. To fix this first realize you are trying to speak too fast. Record yourself speaking or reading. Pay attention to how you sound and make adjustments. Though you may find great advice to change a few of these habits, that internal fear will still be there if you never face it. By handling the internal pain you will strengthen yourself and eliminate the source of many poor communication habits indicative of low confidence.

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Talal Abbasi is an independent researcher and system administrator based in Paris, France.

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